i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Randomize
