Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
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