Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
Ryan Reynolds porn could be a WMD. Have a giant TV on the front of your tank, and just drive around playing it. Everyone dies of orgasm overload.
That's it. Iraq is done. Everyone dies, game over man.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
After what was supposed to be a one night stand I woke up to a message in my room wall written in marker "Kaitlin got it on in here" definitely a cock block down the road
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
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