since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
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