It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Randomize
