When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
Church boner. Awkwardddd
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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