You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
