if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
Randomize
