Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
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