FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
this kid sitting diagonally in front of me is searching "cheap bongs" on google. hahahhaaha. who does this kid think he is?
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
Randomize
