apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
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