the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
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And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
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I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?