you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
