Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
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