I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
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