She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
Randomize
