That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
Randomize
