Do you still have your period?
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
foreskin is a definite game changer
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Randomize
