I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
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