I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
