I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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