yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
so...dinner was kid's cuisine and a bottle of wine. i think they go well together.
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
