i'm signing you up for texting rehab
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
Randomize
