Your an asshole
Actually, it's "you're an asshole"
My point exactly
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Randomize
