And just as he was about to come, he screamed "Oh Christy!!"
What's wrong with that? Your name IS christy.
He then said, "Oh shit, sorry Julie."
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
Randomize
