Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Randomize
