my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
