the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
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