when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
And yes, in case u were wondering a 25 year old high school agriculture teacher did just hit on me At Walmart bc of my pinata
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
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