We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
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We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
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Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
I said "one day" and that day is not today
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
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