I accidentally had phone sex last night
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
he doesn't sweat normal. maybe that's what THC smells like coming through the sweat glands...
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
Randomize
