I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
well, it ended with me crying outside the strip club saying i don't want to be 21 anymoree. i'd say it was a great 21st birthday.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
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The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
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When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
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