You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
it was like eating out sand paper
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
Randomize
