the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
