shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
two words...techno handjob
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
Randomize
