Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
i looked that guy up on facebook. the one who went down on me for two hours
what's the verdict
i've been scrubbing my vag all morning
Randomize
