Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
How naked do you want me to be?
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
