It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
