Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
