I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
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