i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Randomize
