Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
Randomize
