Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Randomize
