Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
Cleveland boys shit in their own pumpkins in their own living room. Got pictures to prove it.
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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