i think i'm in class. and blacked out.
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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