i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
She went from zero to smokin in five shots
careful when you do the walk of shame, they are handing out bibles on campus
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
Randomize
