i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
i think my mom watched the whole time
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
my being single is dangerous.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
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