6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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