K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
There is this threesome scene that is literally 10 minutes of straight fucking
Omg so it's educational?
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Randomize
