it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
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