I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
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i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
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