U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
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